After a long hiatus, it's a nice feeling to just come back and write. Writing proves to be stress relieving at times. It still has yet to prove itself to me yet though. Maybe one day, i will do some soul searching to find out why i still bother to keep this blog alive. Despite popular beliefs that i set this up for self glory, i cannot dispute that more as to why that is a fallacy. If revealing my retarded actions and unbelievable dumb acts counts for glory then i must say i am basking in full glory to the likes of pak lah and my neighbors pet dog.


Anyhows, its been a pretty dull life. Would you believe that nothing wicked or malicious has happened to me for like the past 12 hours? That's a record. I now live a boring life like the rest of the world. Speaking of the rest of the world, i have learned some very interesting facts to share and shall act as some sort of a consolation for wasting fifteen minutes of your life for stumbling on this blog.

Did you know if everyone in the world was lined up shoulder to shoulder, they would all fit into Malaysia?
All 6.684 billion of them.

The planet Pluto is not a planet.

The most important thing to have when shipwrecked is a mirror and not a box of chocolates.

When all things fail to wake you up, try listening to an off pitched version of someone singing "Come, now is the time to worship" for a FULL HOUR. I personally guarantee that you will be fully awakened with an overwhelming desire to chop of your ears, dip it in garlic sauce, feed them to stray mongrels and hope that you never have the gift of hearing again.

Shucks, i ran out of facts. That's about all the knowledge i posses.

Moving on. Have you ever noticed how some questions prove to be a complete and utter waste of time?
For instance, try going up to someone anonymous and ask "How are you?" More often than not, you are likely to be hit in the face with the same old mundane routine of  "I'm fine."
Are they really fine?
They could be drowning in debts or desperate for some form of companionship. Heck, you could place them in a pile of cow dung and yet they will just whip up a smile and say "I'm fine."
Sometimes its worse!! Some people even have the audacity to shoot back such otiosity by responding with
"I'm fine. And you?"
When such atrocity occurs, you find yourself at a lost for words. You start to see that you have been cornered. Any attempt to retaliate with another question would be futile. You stand your ground and hesitate on your final and only option available. You muster up some dignity and with a pretentious smile you say:

"I'm fine. Thank you"

This usually follows with a brief moment of silence and awkwardness until someone takes their leave and all things return to a state of normality.
A similar question which displays the same effect would be "Are you okay?" This is usually followed by "I'm okay."

Along the hallways of university, malls and anywhere lar, familiar faces would offer greetings with the same damn question.
"How are you?"
I usually give the same damn response.
"I'm fine."
This may occur even though i am feeling the exact opposite of 'fine'.
I really do appreciate the gesture though. Nothing is sweeter than showing the world that you care for someone else.

However,
There was a particular case where i was met with a greeting unlike no other.
It was so different, so contrastive, so distinguished. It was unique to say the very least.
I assure you that such forms of greetings has never been heard or read about in the past ten decades.
It was simply this.

"Are you retarded?"

I stood dead in my tracks. Dazed and obviously stupefied by such a question, i slapped myself in the face and regained consciousness. I then proceeded to scramble mentally for a response.
Hundreds of things were running simultaneously in my mind.
Do i say yes? Do i say no? Or how about I'm just partially spastic. Do i want fries with my McChicken later?
Confused and at a lost for words i could only gaze into my acquaintance's expectant face hoping to find clues and subtle hints to such a mind boggling question.

It was pointless. I'm left at a dead end. My only option was to strip naked, whip myself on the back and wail out loud to gain sympathy from this ruthless world.

Then it hit me!!

I found out the answer to his question. The answer was there all along. It was haunting my down from all angles and yet i failed to see it.
I looked him in the eye with beaded drops of sweat trickling down my spine. Paying no regard to my surrounding, i evinced a fragile smile.
Careful not to lose focus, i uttered with sheer confidence:

"Yes, and you?"

We then advanced to an eatery to gorge ourselves with food.
I just love these happy endings.

PS : Shaun, I'm serious when i say i am revolted by the sight of green now. Please do me and the other four readers a favor by changing the layout or something. Thanks. And, How are you by the way?

       This must be my first tittled post. Guess i finally got a tad smarter. I can now say with confidence that i am smarter than a monkey. Wishful thinking, but i like to keep my head in the clouds and live a fictional life occasionally.
A life where i don't frequently stumble and fall into cow dung on a daily basis.

       See how poetic i can be? By using the phrase cow dung, i am able to sub categorize factors such as meeting events that make a mockery of me, encountering awkward moments that puts you in a situation where every next move you make gets you deeper into the cow dung pile , getting myself bullied, etc etc and the list goes on.

       Speaking of getting bullied, i was most probably the second most targeted sucker back when i was twelve or thirteen. " What??!! " you might exclaim. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on whose point of view you choose to look at it, there was someone worse off than me.

       His name is or was Shaun. He had a small built that slightly resembles the female species. Droopy shoulders, scrawny arms and legs and a tendency to fashion himself with pink accessaries.
What do you get when you put the most bullied guy in school with the second most wanted sucker together?
Naturally, we became good friends.
       
        With him around, i felt safe, i felt protected, i felt invulnerable, i felt like Ironman.
Not by his presence but knowing that i was second in choice to eating a knuckle sandwich.
Besides, with him around, i could exercise my bully rights and for once not play the protagonist role. I could be the Bad Boy while still preserving our friendship. Our relationship was complicated.

       I would greet Shaun every single time we happened to bump into each other. Be it at the canteen or beyond school boundaries. I made a personal effort to ensure that our level of friendship remained as close knitted as Hollywood marriages.

        I saw Shaun in a mall one day with his parents and thought to myself, why the conventional pat on the back?
Do i dare take a simple ' Hello ' to the next level? Wouldnt the same casual ' Hello ' put a strain on our relationship ?
I decided to broaden my horizons to alternative forms of greetings.

       I stealthily sneaked up on Shaun who was wearing his signature pink polo tee. I cant really use the word stealthily to describe myself. Being a fat overweight kid waives whatever rights you have to delineate yourself as  ' Stealthily. '

       Anyways, by the time i was behind Shaun, everyone else was suspiciously looking at the stupid fat kid. They were all eager to see my next move.
What was my next move?
Like a tiger pouncing on it's unsuspecting prey, I pounced on Shaun with a gleeful cheer,

" Wazzzuuupp Brada ??!!!! "

       What was i thinking? As usual, i wasn't thinking.
 I forgot to take into account that a fat kid jumping on a pink polo tee attired scrawny, skinny kid equates into a first degree homicidal attempt.

         After we untangled ourselves from a position that resembled an activity that the homosexuals actively participates in, i apologized profusely. Needless to say, all eyes were on us. Shaun gracefully picked himself up and looked me in the eye.

       I met a side of Shaun that i have never seen before. He looked me eye to eye with trembling lips. His tear filled eyes displayed an array of emotions that poured deep into my soul. I have witnessed him cry countless times and yet, this was a side of him that i have never met before.
Could it be due to the public humiliation that brought out a different side of Shaun?
Or the fact that the physical pain was different from the usual bashes from the bullies?

It was neither of those.

The reason was simple.

It wasn't Shaun.

     I forgot how Shaun physically resembled a girl. Why was she wearing the same pink polo tee? WHY?
I received death stares from onlookers and the poor victims parents. The same death stares that i imagine the lowest low life criminals receive during their public execution.

       Again and again i apologized to their parents stating how i stupidly confused their daughter to be the most bullied guy in school. To which they were enraged further by the fact that i could not distinguish their daughter from a boy.

    At that moment of time, i buried my face in my hands in prayer. A prayer that the rapture would take place. A rapture that will free me from the trials and tribulations that was persecuting every ounce of being in me.

       Fortunately, her parents decided not to press charges on a fat stupid minor and just warned me off with death threats and verbal abuses. I severely punished myself later to a tub load of fried chicken and chips.

       That poor girl. That stupid fat kid must have left you a physical and emotional scar.

Dear victim,

    If by some miraculous way that you are reading this post, i am truly sorry and would have the same scenario reenacted upon me as a symbol of my sincerest apologies.

With best regards,
The stupid fat kid who jumped on you.